Cranks McMorbidly
This terrible tortoise was the world’s only humpbacked hook-nosed snapping sea turtle. If he could have talked, he might have sent you into the deepest darkest doldrums you ever encountered. From his indoor water tank, he could have tortured you slowly with morose tales of life at the bottom of Lake Funkwart that sits just south of Perilous Downs. You may have shed uncontrollable tears as he recounted the grim story of his capture by a young Ravenous who was looking for the ideal creature to give to his new bride to make turtle bouillabaisse. (Ravenous almost lost several body parts.) After sharing his stories, he may have smiled devilishly at you as you sank to the floor in a puddle of pitiful groans.